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  Rebecca leaned her forehead against her husband’s chest. “You’re right.” A tear trickled down her cheek. “I can’t believe Ivan’s gone.”

  “I will call Samuel later if you want me to. It will be best if Samuel tells Katie Ann in person, I think. Katie Ann will take the news hard.”

  She nodded as she pulled back and lifted her eyes to her husband’s. “Samuel will take the news of our bruder’s death hard too.”

  “Ya. I know.”

  Rebecca dreaded going to the funeral home, but Mr. Roberts handled the Amish funerals in their area, and he would tell them how to proceed. He’d agreed to meet them there on a Sunday. “I guess I better go get breakfast started.”

  “Breakfast is already cooked and out on the table.”

  Rebecca put a hand on her chest. “What?”

  “Miriam and Shelby were finishing up when I went downstairs earlier.”

  “They shouldn’t have done that.” Rebecca hung her head as another tear rolled down her cheek. “Those girls are bound to be tired, and there was no need for them to get up so early to finish before I even got downstairs.”

  Aaron offered her a comforting smile. “They’re gut girls, Rebecca. Both of them.” He kissed her on the forehead. “Now, come downstairs and eat a little. I know you’re going to say you’re not hungry, but it’s gonna be a long day, and you’re going to need your strength.”

  She nodded, then followed Aaron down the stairs toward the scent of frying bacon.

  Ben, Elam, and John were already sitting at the table when Rebecca and Aaron walked into the room, and Miriam and Shelby were scurrying around the kitchen.

  “Danki, girls, for making breakfast.” Rebecca attempted a smile and knew she should apologize to Miriam for the way she’d spoken to her the night before, but Miriam had snuck out of the house. . . Fear of her only daughter taking up with Saul Fisher kept her silent.

  “Here, Rebecca, sit down.” Shelby pulled out Rebecca’s chair for her, and although it was a sweet gesture, Rebecca knew that from now on, she wouldn’t be able to let her guard down around the girl.

  Miriam placed a cup of coffee in front of Rebecca. Her daughter’s eyes were swollen and red also. She wanted to stand up, pull Miriam into her arms, and not only tell her that she was sorry for her harsh words the night before, but also vow to protect her from anything and anyone who threatened harm to her way of life. “Danki,” she said softly instead.

  By the time eleven o’clock rolled around, Saul was sure that Miriam had changed her mind about wanting to spend time with him since she never called. Just as well. He had plenty to do around here and enough to worry about. But he couldn’t deny that not hearing from her disappointed him. He squirted vinegar water on the inside of Gus’s stall, hoping to rid the area of some of the smell.

  “You still ain’t got that skunk smell out of here?” Ruben walked into the barn carrying a plastic bag, his nose crinkling the closer he got to Saul. “Here’s the plumbing parts you asked me to get in town, to fix the commode.”

  Saul took the bag and peeked inside. “Danki.” He handed the bag back to Ruben. “I think you can handle fixing the toilet.” He grinned. “Unless you wanna stay out here and try to get rid of the skunk smell.”

  Ruben snatched the bag from him. “I think I’ll take care of the toilet. Have fun out here.” His brother shuffled across the hay-covered floor and was almost out the door when he turned around. “Hey, did ya hear what happened last night? About the car accident?”

  “No. What?”

  “Ivan Stoltzfus was killed. He was ridin’ in a car with another fella and was hit head-on by a truck last night around ten thirty.”

  Saul walked to his brother. “Are you sure?”

  “Ach, ya, I’m sure.” Ruben lifted his chin as he went on. “I heard some folks in town talkin’ about it.”

  “That’s Miriam’s onkel,” Saul hung his head and whispered, mostly to himself.

  “Ain’t he the one who was shunned and living with the Englisch woman?”

  Saul looked up at Ruben. “Ya. He was living with Lucy Turner.” He rubbed his chin as he grew concerned for Miriam and her family. “Did anyone say when the funeral is?”

  “I don’t think they know yet.”

  “All right.” He waved his hand. “Get on to fixin’ that toilet.”

  Saul was going to get cleaned up. Then he was going to go find Miriam and see if there was anything he could do for her or her family.

  Shelby chose not to go to the funeral home. She felt out of place, and Rebecca had seemed relieved that she wasn’t going. So much had happened in the short time she’d been here that Shelby was grateful to have some quiet time. She couldn’t stop crying last night or this morning when she saw everyone else crying. So much sadness. But this morning she was reevaluating her life. Perhaps death did that—made you rethink things.

  She was pondering as she sat in the swing on the front porch. When the phone started ringing in the barn, she darted down the steps, swung the door wide, and reached the phone right before the answering machine picked up. “Hello.”

  “You sound out of breath.”

  Shelby sighed. “Hi, Mom.”

  “Did Rebecca tell you I called the other day? I tried you on your cell phone, but it was dead.”

  “They don’t have electricity, Mother.” Shelby rolled her eyes.

  “Shelby, I miss you, and I was just wondering if you were enjoying your time there. I know you aren’t happy with your father and me for making this decision, but—”

  “Don’t refer to you and Dad like you’re a couple making decisions together. You’re not a couple. You’re divorced.”

  Silence for a moment. “Shelby, when it comes to you, we are working together to make the best decisions. You were not making good choices on your own.”

  “I don’t need you to remind me, Mom. I know this. But sending me out here to the boonies isn’t going to help.” Shelby knew she was lying. It was helping for her to be away from everyone and everything in her past, and slowly she was getting to know her cousins. “Oh, and someone died last night. Rebecca’s brother.”

  “Oh no. That’s terrible. I should send something. A basket or something.”

  “I’m sure that will help a lot.” Shelby figured her mother could detect the heavy sarcasm, but just to be sure, she also grunted as she shook her head. “Seriously, Mom. . . they are all about family around here. I’m sure they will be just fine without one of your baskets.”

  “It’s the thought, Shelby, at a time like this.”

  She carried the cordless phone to the window in the barn when she heard the clippety-clop of hooves coming up the driveway. “I have to go, Mom. Someone is here, and I’m the only one home.”

  “Shelby, please call me back. I’m worried about you, and whether you believe it or not, your father and I love you, and even if we aren’t together, we still—”

  “I have to go, Mom. I’ll call you later.”

  Shelby hung up, then left the barn. She walked toward the man tethering his horse, then saw it was Saul.

  “Hi, Saul.” She walked toward him and they met in the grass halfway between the barn and the house.

  “How is everyone? Is Miriam okay?”

  “They’re all at the funeral home.” Shelby shook her head and looked down for a moment. “It’s terrible what happened.” She thought about the man she’d met only briefly at the market. She’d been shocked to hear that Ivan’s wife was pregnant, only making the situation even worse. She looked back up at Saul. “I’ll tell them you came by, though.”

  Saul pushed back the rim of his hat. “I just wanted to tell them how sorry I am and see if there was anything me or my family can do.”

  Shelby twisted her mouth to one side, then crossed her arms across her chest. “I’m not sure you’re on Rebecca and Aaron’s happy list right now.”

  “What does that mean?” Saul frowned as he shifted his weight.

  “No one�
��s talking about it—in light of everything—but I don’t think they’re happy with Miriam for sneaking out of the house to see you. She’ll probably get grounded or something when everything settles down.”

  “Sneaking out? What?”

  Shelby squeezed her eyes closed for a moment, then opened them. “Oops. I assumed she told you.”

  Saul stood taller, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “No, she didn’t tell me.” He paused, rubbing his chin. “And that ain’t right. She shouldn’t be sneaking around behind her parents’ backs.” He shook his head. “I wondered why they let her go out that late at night, but I just never asked her about it.”

  Shelby looked down and kicked the grass with her bare foot. She put her hands in the pockets of her blue jeans, then looked back up at him. “You know, she likes you a lot.”

  Saul looked toward the barn and didn’t say anything for a moment. “I like her too,” he said with a shrug.

  Shelby leaned closer to him. “Don’t be nonchalant, Saul.”

  “Huh?”

  “She really likes you, but Jesse told me that you aren’t going to be baptized here, and that you’ll eventually leave this place. Is that true?”

  Saul looped his thumbs beneath his suspenders, bit his lip, and looked toward the barn again. Shelby had her answer.

  “Jesse needs to mind his own business.” Saul finally faced Shelby. “I’ll talk to Miriam.”

  “So it’s true. You are leaving?”

  “Ya.” Saul turned toward his horse. “She’ll probably end up with Jesse anyway.”

  “She doesn’t want Jesse.” Shelby followed Saul as he walked toward his buggy. She knew she was overstepping her bounds, but she was feeling unusually protective of Miriam—probably because Shelby knew what it was like to be abandoned by the man you loved. “She wants you.”

  “I gotta go.” Saul climbed into his buggy.

  “I’m sure you do,” Shelby mumbled as he pulled away. Poor Miriam.

  Shelby waited until Saul was gone before she looked toward the sky. She closed her eyes to avoid the bright sun.

  God, I thought that prayers for other people were answered before our own needs. I thought You’d help Miriam not to get hurt. Are You listening to me?

  Shelby hung her head for a moment, then walked back to the house, dreading in her heart that she would have to tell Miriam that Saul was leaving here. But her cousin had a right to know before she got too involved with him.

  Miriam sat quietly with her parents and brothers in a large room with empty caskets everywhere. Gold ones, blue ones, brown ones— all colors, and all very fancy. Her family was seated in the large room while Mr. Roberts went over the details of the funeral. As was custom, Uncle Ivan would be buried in a plain coffin with no ornament, then later laid to rest in a hand-dug grave in their community cemetery. The funeral home would take his body to her Aunt Mary Ellen’s house tomorrow, where he would stay until the funeral two days later. Mary Ellen’s home was the largest and would be best for receiving visitors. Uncle Noah wasn’t Amish, so his wasn’t an option. Miriam’s Uncle Samuel, Aunt Lillian, cousin David, and Aunt Katie Ann were scheduled to arrive from Colorado tomorrow and would be staying with Mary Ellen.

  Everyone in the room looked toward the door when it eased open. Lucy Turner walked in, her ivory skin streaked with tears, and Miriam didn’t think she’d ever seen her look so plain. Barely any makeup, and she was wearing gray sweat pants and a gray T-shirt.

  “I’m—I’m sorry to interrupt. I just didn’t know what to do, or where to go, and—and I just wanted to make sure that everything— I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have come.”

  She turned to leave, but it was Miriam’s mother who spoke up. “Lucy, you may stay.”

  Lucy faced the group, dabbed at her eyes, and took a couple of steps forward, finally settling into a chair that was set apart from the rest of the group. Mr. Roberts waited, then finished things up by asking if anyone had any questions. When no one did, he excused himself. “I’ll let you have some time alone,” he said quietly.

  It seemed strange for Lucy to be among the family. They’d all been fairly certain that Lucy had lured Ivan away from Katie Ann, even though Mamm had said repeatedly that Ivan was a grown man making his own choices. Even though Miriam knew it was wrong in the eyes of God, she didn’t care for Lucy Turner. But seeing Lucy so upset made Miriam realize that—right or wrong—Lucy obviously cared about Uncle Ivan a lot. She felt sorry for Lucy’s loss too.

  9

  MIRIAM WASN’T HOME FOR TEN MINUTES BEFORE SHELBY pulled her upstairs. “Saul was here earlier,” she said.

  “I forgot to call him!” Miriam slapped herself on the forehead and sat down on the bed. “I better go try now, or at least leave a message for him.”

  “Miriam. . .”

  “Ya?”

  Shelby bit her bottom lip for a moment. “Saul’s not planning to be baptized here, Miriam. He’s going to leave this place.” Shelby waved her arm around the room.

  Miriam was sad and exhausted. This was the last thing she needed at the moment. She let out a heavy sigh. “Shelby, what would make you say that?”

  “He told me.”

  Miriam wrapped her arms around herself, more despair weighing on her. She didn’t say anything.

  “I’m sorry, Miriam.” Shelby leaned her head down into her hands for a moment, then looked back up. “I just thought you’d want to know.”

  “I guess that’s why he avoided the question when I asked him about it.” She blinked a few times and told herself that she’d cried enough today.

  “Because men are jerks. That’s why. That’s what they do. They get close to you, then leave you.” Shelby nodded strongly as she pinched her lips together.

  “I can’t think about this right now.” Miriam shook her head, and despite how sad she was about her uncle’s passing, she knew that she would be thinking about Saul too. “But. . . why did he come by earlier?”

  “He said he came to check on you and to see if he could do anything for your family.”

  Miriam smiled. “That was nice of him.”

  “Be careful, Miriam. Now that you know he’s leaving, guard your heart.”

  “I have to go downstairs and help Mamm.”

  “I’ll come too.”

  Miriam walked out the door and down the stairs, Shelby following close behind. Everything was going to be all right. It saddened her that Saul was going to leave the community, but almost instantly her mind began to scramble with what-ifs. She’d always pictured her and Saul in the community—married and raising a family together. But what if only part of that picture became a reality?

  Saul had no doubt that Shelby told Miriam that he would be leaving the community, and he knew in his head that it was for the best. He’d had the best time with Miriam last night, and he longed to spend even more time with her. It was as if years of silent infatuation had risen to the surface and overtaken them both, and it felt wonderful. He’d always loved Miriam from afar. She was the kind of woman he hoped to marry someday, but her life was here. And Saul had known since he was fourteen that his wasn’t. The world had too much to offer, and he got his first glimpse when his father took him to an auction, an Englisch auction in Lancaster. Daed needed a new plow and some other farm equipment, and his father spent all day surveying what he planned to bid on, then did so at the auction. While his father was preoccupied, Saul met Ted Stark, a sixteen-year-old Englisch boy—with a car. Saul wasn’t old enough to be in his rumschpringe yet, but it didn’t stop him from seeing the world beyond his district with Ted for the next several months. Saul’s favorite part of his adventures—going to restaurants and critiquing the food. He’d worked part-time that summer, saved his money, and eaten at some mighty fine places. His favorite restaurant back then was one that used odd combinations of seasonings, and he could remember the taste long after he’d left.

  One evening he’d worked up enough courage to speak to the che
f, an Englisch fellow with no hair and a limp. After Saul questioned the man about a certain Italian dish, the chef—Claude— invited Saul to the back and actually showed him how to prepare the chestnut pasta with creamy porcini mushroom sauce. He decided that night that he would prepare fancy meals in a fancy restaurant if he was ever given the opportunity. Now, with a job offer in hand, it was time to act on his plans. Best that Miriam knows now, he supposed. And she’d surely not want to spend any more time with him.

  Following family devotion, Saul noticed his father getting restless, pacing the room, and glancing out the window every few minutes.

  “You waiting for someone?” Saul set down the Bible he was reading. Ruben and James were already upstairs, and Saul suspected Ruben was locked in his room reading a magazine Daed probably wouldn’t approve of. Ruben liked cars, and he took every opportunity to buy an automobile magazine and sneak it upstairs. His father shook his head and blew it out slowly. “No, just stretching my legs.”

  Saul picked up the Bible and started reading again when he saw his father wipe sweat from his forehead, then reach for his hat on the rack.

  “I’m going to go take a walk, get some fresh air.”

  Saul’s stomach churned. He’d covered every square inch of the house, barn, and property looking for wine or other forms of alcohol, and he’d never found any—but when Daed went for a walk, he always came back drunk or with a bottle in his hand. It was hidden somewhere. Saul just didn’t know where. His heart started to beat out of his chest as he put the book down again and stood up. “I’ll go with you. I could use some fresh air too.”

  As he could have predicted, his father shook his head. “No, you stay to your studies. I’d like to just clear my mind with a gut walk.” Daed pulled the door open and wasn’t even over the threshold when Saul called to him.

  “Ya?” He smiled, and Saul didn’t think there was a person on the planet whose eyes were kinder than his father’s. Saul just stared at him for a few moments. “What is it, sohn?”