An Amish Year Page 5

  As Rosemary watched him direct the buggy down the driveway and onto the road, a tear slid down her cheek. It’s always been you too, Saul.

  Chapter Six

  ROSEMARY SPENT THE REST OF THE DAY WEEDING THE GARDEN, her self-inflicted punishment for the way things had ended with Saul. He was right. She did change her mind about him. A lot. Some days she thought she could get past what she’d overheard his mother saying that day, but other days . . . it was just too much to bear.

  She pulled her gloves off and stared at her dirty hands. Dirt had gotten in her gloves, and her fingernails were a mess. She even had two blisters. Guess I deserve it.

  Her father was sitting in the rocking chair on the front porch when Rosemary climbed the steps. She fell into the other rocker and leaned her head back.

  “Mei maedel, I don’t know why you did all that work. Saul said he was coming back tomorrow, no?”

  “Ya, he’ll be back.” And I guess I’ll stay away from him.

  “You didn’t say what was wrong with him earlier. Was it his arm?” Daed closed the newspaper he’d been reading.

  “I’m not sure.”

  Her father shook his head. “He had no business taking on this project with his arm like that.”

  Rosemary thought about how Saul would probably be working on the garden for at least another week Or maybe not. She’d noticed that he seemed to be taking his time, but that could have been due to his arm. Either way, she wouldn’t be surprised if he picked up speed after what happened today. She looked up in time to see Katherine turning into the driveway. She lifted her tired body out of the rocking chair.

  “I’m going to let the oven heat up while I take a bath. Where’s Abner?”

  Her father stood up. “He was in his room coloring when I came outside.” Daed smoothed his beard with his hand and waved to Katherine. “What time will the other boys be home?” he asked before she walked in the house.

  “I told them to be here in time for milking and chores, so pretty soon. And I’ll check on Abner before I take a bath.” She paused. “Ach, and, Daed, if it’s okay, I’d like to take the buggy and visit Esther later. I won’t be home late.”

  Her father nodded, so Rosemary went inside, glanced at the clock on the mantel above the fireplace, then hurried upstairs to bathe. She wasn’t sure how Esther would take Rosemary’s news, but her friend would be honest. Esther had come into her life right around the time Rosemary’s mother died, and they’d hit it off instantly. Esther’s mother had died three years before that, and Esther had been the only person who understood what Rosemary was going through. But Rosemary hadn’t ever told her about Saul. She’d come close, especially when Esther questioned her about him.

  She peeked into Abner’s room on the way to the bathroom. Her youngest brother had a small red suitcase filled with crayons and coloring books that Daed had picked up at a rummage sale a few weeks earlier. Abner was busy at work, so Rosemary scurried to the bathroom at the end of the hallway.

  Always rushing. But today it was her own fault for letting guilt make her feel like she needed to give Saul a jump-start on the garden. No matter the circumstances, she could tell Saul was hurt, and that had never been her intention.

  She was pulling her dress over her head and running the bathwater when she remembered she was out of shampoo. Her mother had always made their shampoo, but after she’d died, it was easier to purchase it in town—like the veggies—and she’d left a new bottle on the kitchen counter. She turned off the bathwater, lowered her blue dress, then ran downstairs. Supper was going to be late if she didn’t hurry, and while she’d completely lost her appetite, she had a houseful of boys who’d be hungry come four thirty. She grabbed the shampoo from the counter and turned to go back upstairs when a movement outside caught her eye. She rolled her eyes when she saw her father and Katherine heading toward the barn. I’ll never be as perfect as her.

  As she watched them nearing the barn, Rosemary thought maybe she was being unfair to Katherine. The woman had been nothing but polite and generous. But when her father and Katherine stopped outside the barn and began kissing like teenagers, Rosemary grabbed her chest and gasped.

  Her father had invited Katherine to stay for supper and then insisted that Katherine not help Rosemary prepare the meal, even though she’d offered twice. “Nee, you’re our guest,” her father had said both times.

  Our guest and your girlfriend. Rosemary had already calculated that Katherine was at least ten years younger than her father, and she couldn’t stop thinking about what the woman’s intentions were. As upsetting as it all was, this new knowledge had kept her thoughts from straying back to Saul, at least. This was what Rosemary had been unable to put her finger on.

  “Everything looks lovely.” Katherine’s green eyes twinkled as she spoke, and she barely looked at Rosemary before she turned to Daed and grinned. So that’s what all the veggies, casseroles, and egg exchanges have been about. Katherine could walk right into a ready-made family and take over. No one was going to replace their mother, especially not someone who was only ten years older than Rosemary—no matter how much pressure it would take off of Rosemary.

  It took everything she had, but Rosemary forced a smile. “Danki, Katherine. Glad you could join us.” She glanced at her father as she set a bowl of mashed potatoes on the table, fighting the frown that was settling on her face. A little young for you, Daed. While it was customary for widows and widowers to remarry, her father had already gone four years, so Rosemary had assumed he had no desire to remarry. And why did it have to be Katherine?

  After the blessing, Daed reminded the boys about manners when they dove into their food like they hadn’t eaten in a month of Sundays. Once everyone had a plateful, it got quiet, and Rosemary began to think about Saul. And the look on his face when he left, knowing that she’d put an end to his pursuing her. That should have made her feel good. One less thing to worry about.

  Instead, it made her want to cry. She couldn’t wait till after dinner when she could go to Esther’s and talk with her about everything.

  Her father had an extra helping of shoofly pie, and Rosemary was pretty sure he just didn’t want Katherine to leave yet. They kept glancing at each other like they were love-struck teenagers, and Rosemary wondered how she hadn’t suspected anything before.

  Finally, Katherine left, and Rosemary peeked out the window. Her father had the good sense not to kiss Katherine good-bye out by the buggy. Who knew if the boys could see from the living room?

  She quickly cleaned up the kitchen and headed to Esther’s. Fifteen minutes later, Esther’s father greeted Rosemary at the door and motioned for Rosemary to go on upstairs. Esther was an only child, and she had a huge bedroom upstairs. Rosemary knocked. “Esther, it’s me.”

  Her friend answered right away, wearing a white nightgown, and her dark-brown hair hung to her waist. “You’re already dressed for bed? It’s not even dark yet.”

  On most nights, Rosemary didn’t even get a bath until after sundown. She had to help Abner get settled in, and despite the mess they always left, she’d usually let Jesse and Josh bathe first. It would be nice to be tucked in early and have time to read a book.

  Esther shrugged. “Nothing else to do.”

  Rosemary bit her bottom lip, realizing it must be lonely for Esther much of the time. She walked to the double bed and sat down. Esther sat down beside her.

  “What’s wrong?” Esther pulled one leg underneath her as she twisted to face Rosemary.

  Rosemary took a deep breath. “I told Saul I’d go out with him Saturday night.” Esther’s face lit up right away. “But then I changed my mind and told him I didn’t think it was a gut idea.” Rosemary closed her eyes for a few moments and
shook her head. “Everything got all messed up, and I can tell he’s mad, and it’s—it’s just a mess.”

  Esther frowned as she folded her arms across her chest. “I don’t understand you, Rosemary. And I’m not surprised he got mad. He’s been wanting to date you for years. Then you say yes, then you say no.”

  “I know, I know,” Rosemary said. Her pulse quickened. “I love Saul. I really do. And I always have. But . . .”

  Esther raised an eyebrow. “What? If you love him, why haven’t you gone out with him all this time?”

  “Promise me that you won’t hate me or think I’m a horrible, shallow person,” Rosemary said.

  Esther reached for Rosemary’s hand and gave it a quick squeeze.

  “There is nothing you can tell me that would make me think less of you.”

  I don’t know about that. Rosemary lowered her head for a moment, then looked up at her friend. “Saul and I had been dating about three months when I overheard a conversation between Saul’s mother—Elizabeth—and a visiting cousin.” She paused, reflecting on how she felt when she listened in on the private conversation. “I know this is going to make me sound awful, but . . .”

  Esther reached for Rosemary’s hand again. “What did you hear?”

  Rosemary took another long breath and closed her eyes. “Saul can’t have kinner.” She opened her eyes, and Esther’s straight face was hard to read. “And I want kinner, Esther. I want a large family. And a life with Saul wouldn’t include that.”

  Esther was quiet for a few moments. “Rosemary, I don’t think you’re awful, and I don’t think any less of you. If anyone understands about wanting a large family, it’s me. I’d do anything to have some siblings, and whenever I get married, I want lots of kinner too. So I don’t judge you or think badly of you.”

  Rosemary threw her arms around Esther’s neck. “Danki, Esther. I’ve been so afraid to tell you.”

  Esther eased away. “I’m guessing Saul doesn’t know that you know . . . that he can’t have children.”

  “Nee. I forced myself to walk away from the relationship when we were sixteen, thinking we were young and that I’d find love with someone else.” She took a deep breath, then blew it out slowly. “But I don’t think I will. It’s always been Saul, and it seems so unfair that I can’t have him and the big family that I want.”

  Esther just nodded, and Rosemary wished she’d talked to her a long time ago.

  “My heart hurts, Esther. I don’t know what to do now.” Rosemary realized this was the first time that she had ever considered sacrificing a houseful of children to be with Saul. She recalled the expression on his face, the sharp tone of his voice. There had always been a level of comfort in knowing that Saul stayed in pursuit of her. A few times, she’d worried when he’d started dating other girls. She’d never wanted to commit to him, but she hadn’t wanted anyone else to either. She was ashamed she felt this way.

  “Are you sure you heard correctly?” Esther tucked her other leg beneath her, then scratched her forehead.

  “Ya.” Rosemary remembered the words exactly and the way they stung. “I was walking past where Saul’s mamm and Naomi were talking, carrying Abner on my hip. He was about a year old, and he still used a pacifier. When he spit it out of his mouth, I leaned down to pick it up, and that’s when I heard Saul’s name. I lingered. His mother’s exact words were, ‘It has been very upsetting for us to learn that Saul won’t be able to have kinner.’ ”

  “And you never asked him about it?” Esther began braiding her hair off to one side.

  “Nee. Because he’d know I broke up with him because of that, and that would make me look awful. Plus, I didn’t want to embarrass him.”

  “You’re not awful, Rosemary. You just know what you want.”

  Rosemary tried to smile. “Do I?” She wanted to tell Esther about her father and Katherine, but she’d probably shared enough with her for one night.

  Saul was staring at the ceiling. He’d lain down before it got dark, and now his room was pitch black. After he’d left Rosemary’s, he had checked on his crew, then come home to sit in his room and pout like he was sixteen years old again. He’d gone downstairs for supper but excused himself early.

  He’d spent all this time believing that Rosemary was the girl for him. Now he would have to readjust his thinking, even though he wouldn’t be getting over her anytime soon.

  Lena had changed his bandage earlier, and even though his sister was gentle, all Saul could think about was Rosemary’s tenderness. He’d thought it was his calling to find the Rosemary he’d once known, the happy girl with a playful spirit, the girl who drifted away from him one day without any explanation. Then her mother died, and any hint of playfulness disappeared overnight.

  He was wide awake when he heard his cell phone vibrating on the nightstand by his bed. He mostly used it for work, but he always kept it on vibrate out of respect for his father, who was against the use of any phone in the house. Both his parents still walked a half mile to the phone shanty when they needed to make a call. Saul picked up the phone and saw that it was after ten o’clock. He recognized the number.

  “Wie bischt, Katherine? Something must be wrong if you’re calling this late.”

  “Nee, not really.” She paused. “But maybe.”

  Saul eased himself up in the bed and fluffed his pillow behind him. “What’s wrong?” He’d formed a friendship with Katherine after her husband died. They shared a love of gardening, and Saul had a love for Katherine’s pineapple cherry crisp. After Katherine’s husband was gone, she was so lost that she’d busied herself doing for others—sharing her vegetables, taking neighbors meals, and helping her sister with her children. She’d become like an older sister to Saul.

  “I think Rosemary saw me and Wayne kissing out by the barn. We were so anxious to see each other that I’m afraid we didn’t use much caution. The older boys weren’t home, and Wayne said Abner was upstairs in his room, but I’m worried Rosemary might have seen us. She was even more standoffish than usual.”

  Just hearing Rosemary’s name caused his heart to beat faster. He’d spent so much time loving her, he didn’t know how to stop. “Ach, well . . . maybe it’s time for her to know how you feel about her father.”

  Katherine was quiet for a few moments. “I don’t know. I love that man so much that I feel like it’s written all over my face, but we wanted to wait until closer to October or November before we shared our news. We haven’t set a firm date, and we will still have to publish our wedding announcement.”

  Publishing usually happened four to six weeks prior to a wedding, when the bishop announced the engagement to the congregation during Sunday worship service. Based on previous conversations he and Katherine had had, Saul was pretty sure Rosemary wouldn’t be happy about the news, whether she heard it now or a couple of months from now.

  “She’s going to have to find out sometime.” Saul yawned even though he didn’t feel sleepy.

  “Ya, I know. I just didn’t want her to find out like that. And I was hoping that she and I would grow closer, but she seems to resent me at every turn. I mean, she is always nice and polite, but I can tell that it’s forced. I never would have thought I could love another man again, but I do. And I love his family. I feel very gut about all the boys, but it’s Rosemary I’m worried about.”

  “I’d offer to talk to her, but I’m so angry with her that maybe that’s not the best thing.”

  “Angry? For what, that she still won’t go out with you? That’s been going on for years.”

  Saul told her about the events of the day, his heart still heavy. “If she cared about me half as much as I care about her, she would have gone out with me
a long time ago. She would have given me an explanation about what went wrong when we were younger. I’m just tired of the whole thing.”

  “Oh dear.” Katherine was quiet, and Saul felt a little guilty for shifting the conversation to his problems.

  “Not a problem. I’ll just finish the garden like I promised Wayne. And I’ll leave her alone.”

  “I don’t believe that for one minute. Love doesn’t just go away overnight, and I’ve heard you say on many occasions that Rosemary is the only woman for you, and that you’d keep trying until she could see that and love you in return.”

  Saul sighed. “I know. I’m just irritated.”

  “Saul, life is too short for regrets or to take anything for granted. If you really love Rosemary, don’t give up. Things happen on God’s time frame, and maybe there’s a reason that you two didn’t get together when you were younger. Pray hard about it, and I will too.”

  “I will be praying for you too, Katherine. Might the Lord’s will be done for both of us.”

  After he hung up, he still couldn’t sleep. Katherine was as good a woman as he’d ever known, and Wayne was a fine man. She’d be a good wife to him and mother to his children. But he could see where Rosemary might feel as if her toes were being stepped on. He wished they were closer so he could talk to her.

  For now, praying would have to be enough.

  Chapter Seven

  ROSEMARY WATCHED FROM THE PORCH AS HER FATHER stowed his crutches in the backseat of Katherine’s buggy before he hobbled to the front seat. Then they both waved as Katherine pulled away. Katherine had offered to take him to the market today. Rosemary knew good and well that her father was capable of taking himself. He’d already done so several times. She shook her head, disappointed that she hadn’t seen the truth before. Everything Katherine had done for their family was only in an effort to win over her father. And apparently, she had succeeded.