A Season of Change Page 18

  Rose shrugged. “I’m not sure. I don’t think so. I never saw him treat her badly, but she also never stood up to him.” She swiped at her eyes with her hands. “Shouldn’t she have done something, tried to make him stop? All she ever did was tell us that if we behaved, our father wouldn’t be forced to discipline us.”

  Esther sniffled. “Ya, hon, she should have intervened if she was able.”

  Rose envisioned the expression on her mother’s face each time someone was reprimanded. Flat and uncaring. “I’m sure we were bad sometimes, but—”

  “Stop.” Esther shook her head. “You were kinner. You did not deserve the punishment your daed doled out. None of you did, and you have to know that, Rose.”

  She locked eyes with Esther, barely able to speak. “I feel shame. I worry that I won’t be a gut mudder. What if I’m like her? I have her genes. What if I marry a man who is cruel to mei kinner? And yet, all I have ever wanted to do was be a mamm and to be everything she wasn’t.”

  “Rose.” Esther got up and walked around the table. She hadn’t even eaten half her sandwich. She sat down next to Rose and cupped her wet cheeks in her hands. “Shame is the work of the devil. You must let that go to be able to heal. You and your siblings did nothing to deserve that type of abuse, and you shouldn’t feel any shame.” Esther pulled her into a hug and rubbed her back. “You poor dear. Danki for sharing that with me. You will be a wonderful mudder. I’m sure of it.”

  Rose eased out of the hug. “I’m sorry. You already have so much on your mind and so much worry in your heart. But for some reason, I felt like I needed to tell someone, to know that it was real, that it happened.” She stared into Esther’s loving eyes. “It did happen. I know it. All of it, from the time we were young until everyone left the haus to marry. Everyone else married young. I don’t think mei schweschdere loved the men they married. They only provided an escape for them. I think both of them have grown to lieb their husbands over the years, though. They have six beautiful kinner between them. Mei bruders all chose brides early, too, and have lovely families. But after everyone was gone, mei daed had grown old, and he was sick. After he died, I couldn’t look at mei mamm without wanting to lash out at her. But she was all I had. Coming here was an escape for me too.” Rose’s throat hurt from crying and talking at the same time. “She told me I’d never find a husband. She said my nonstop chattering wouldn’t be tolerated by any man.” She hung her head. “Maybe she’s right.”

  “Ach, child.” Esther dabbed at her eyes again. “That’s not true. And you have Benjamin.” She cupped Rose’s chin and smiled through her tears. “And you have me and Lizzie, and Evelyn and Naomi. Even Gus. Family is who you make it.”

  Rose pointed to the letter. “For the first time, I’ve questioned mei mamm in that letter. I’m giving her a chance to apologize.” Blinking her eyes, she said, “I will forgive her if she does.” She paused, sighing. “I feel like I’ve had this bottled up for so long, and I don’t really understand why it’s coming to the forefront of mei mind. I think it’s because I sense Benjamin really likes me, and I feel the same way. And I think I need to talk about all of this so that I can move forward with my life. But what if he gets tired of mei chattiness? I’ve tried to be less talkative and spend more time listening to others. Or at the least, I’ve tried to organize mei thoughts before I speak. But sometimes, everything just comes out of mei mouth all at once, and I think that’s because—” No, I’m not ready to tell her. She shrugged. “I don’t know.”

  “God bless you, dear sweet maedel.” She pulled Rose into a hug again.

  Rose decided that was enough for today—all either of them could handle for now. Maybe someday she would tell Esther how exactly she’d suffered at the hands of her father. But not today.

  “Did Gus die? What happened?” Lizzie had snuck up on them. “He’s gone, isn’t he? That’s why you’re both so upset.” Tears formed in the corners of her eyes as she brought a hand to her mouth.

  Esther and Rose exchanged confused glances.

  “Nee, Lizzie, nee. Gus isn’t gone.” Esther kissed Rose on the forehead and walked back around the table to where Lizzie was standing. “Rose and I were just having a conversation about something totally unrelated to Gus. And everything is fine now.”

  “It doesn’t look fine,” Lizzie spat as she blinked back tears. “I’ll be right back.” She raised her chin, spun on her bare foot, and headed back to her room.

  “She doesn’t like people to see her cry. Remember what I said about Gus and Lizzie caring for each other more than they let on?”

  Rose nodded, still lost in her confessions. “I lieb you, Esther. I wish you or Lizzie had been mei mamm. It’s a terrible thing to say, but it’s true.”

  “I lieb you too, sweet maedel. Lizzie and I both would have been honored to be your mamm. But we are your family now, and you can come to us about anything.”

  “I know.” Rose felt a sense of peace about that. Not complete peace. Maybe she never would feel that until she told someone what her father had done to her. In some ways, it wasn’t nearly as awful as what he’d done to her siblings. In other ways, it felt worse.

  Chapter 17

  Benjamin sat out in the barn talking to Rose for over an hour, but he could hear her yawning on the other end of the phone. After she and Lizzie had gotten rid of their “creepy” renter, Benjamin had brought over a charger and let her hold on to his cell phone a little while longer so they could talk without her having to sit in a barn full of mice. She had sounded tired the whole time they were talking, but she’d had an emotional day. She told him all about it, how Lizzie was a match for Gus’s transfusions and how Gus would have preferred his blood to be compatible with someone else in the group.

  “It sounds like you had a hard day. Tomorrow will be better. Mei mamm is really looking forward to supper tomorrow night. I am too.” Benjamin hoped his mother didn’t embarrass him. She tended to gush, especially when it came to anything resembling romance. He’d watched his sisters endure her over-the-top cheerful attitude that could have been mistaken for a drunken person at times. But he had the best mom ever, so he shouldn’t complain.

  “I’m looking forward to getting to know your mamm better too.”

  “Do you want me to pick you up? I’m happy to do that.”

  “Nee. If we’re having supper at four or five, I’ll easily be able to get home before dark.”

  “You need to go to sleep. I can hear you yawning.” Benjamin stifled a yawn of his own.

  After they said good night, Benjamin lifted himself down off the workbench where he’d been sitting in the barn. And as he made his way into the house, he smiled. Finally, he’d found someone who was sweet, animated, smart, beautiful, and interesting. He was hopeful about the future. And interestingly enough, his ease at being around Rose seemed to transform him around others. In general, he felt more relaxed with people.

  * * *

  Rose didn’t think she’d felt so emotionally zapped since she left Ohio to come to Montgomery. Everything related to Gus had them all upset today but telling Esther about her childhood and teenage years was even more draining. She couldn’t imagine having that conversation with Benjamin. From everything he’d told her about his family, they sounded wonderful. She’d avoided most of his questions about her family, but if things continued to go as well as they had so far, Rose needed to tell him about her past. She owed him that. Benjamin might share her fears about whether or not she’d be a good mother based on her own childhood. She’d wanted to be a wife and mother for as long as she could remember. Now that someone seemed to really care about her, it frightened her as much as it excited her.

  Yawning, she snuggled into her pillow and lay atop the covers. She couldn’t wait until fall arrived. But they would have at least one more month of warm temperatures, then September would be here to cool things down.

  October and November were when most weddings took place. She allowed herself to dream about that possibi
lity—becoming Benjamin’s wife. It was much too soon to be having such thoughts, but thinking about it made her smile. If she could keep her past from threatening her future, she might have a real shot at happiness.

  * * *

  Esther dove into the slice of apple pie like it was medicine for an ailment. Eating for comfort wasn’t helping her waist, and the heavier she got, the harder it was on her knees. She wasn’t what most folks would call overweight—just thicker.

  She glanced over her shoulder when she heard someone coming. Lizzie crossed through the living room in her robe, barefoot and with a scarf over her head. She pointed her flashlight at the dimly lit lantern on the table.

  “I wasn’t sure if it was you or Rose in the kitchen.” She rubbed her eyes, then squinted at Esther. “What are you doing up at this hour?”

  Esther wasn’t even sure what time it was. She glanced at the clock on the stove. Two in the morning. “I couldn’t sleep. I’ve been tossing and turning most of the night, catching a few winks here and there.” She nodded to the pie. “It seemed a snack was in order.”

  Lizzie sat across from Esther, yawning. “I know you’re upset about Gus, and I’m going to make a real effort to be nicer to him.”

  “I appreciate that, but”—Esther recalled her conversation with Rose—“I’m more upset right now about what Rose tearfully shared with me.”

  “I wondered what was going on when I walked in on the two of you, but you said everything was fine.” Lizzie frowned. “It’s not, is it?”

  Esther finished savoring a bite of pie, then she told Lizzie about her conversation with Rose. “Her father sounds like an awful man. I think these types of things catch up to a person eventually. It’s so sad that Rose worries about being a gut mother. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that girl be unkind to anyone, and she’s wonderful with Naomi’s twins. But her tragic childhood is catching up with her and spilling out like poison. Maybe once she’s told someone everything, she’ll be rid of those ugly memories for good. But . . . she didn’t tell me the one thing that I think disturbs her the most. Rose talked a little about the abuse her siblings were subjected to, but she never told me what her father did to her, only that it was nonsexual.”

  Lizzie puckered her lips as she shook her head. “Maybe we don’t want to know.”

  Esther had thought the same thing. “Ya, but if she ever decides to tell one of us, we will need to be strong and help her get past it.”

  Nodding, Lizzie reached for the pie, cut a tiny slice and set it on a nearby paper plate. “Do you think I have to change mei diet when I start saving Gus’s life?”

  Esther groaned a little. “You’re not saving his life. You are prolonging and helping his quality of life for however long he is with us.”

  “I weighed myself. I need to fatten up. You’re not supposed to give blood at mei age unless you weigh at least a hundred and ten pounds. I weigh a hundred and fourteen.” She smiled. “That’s what the pamphlet from the hospital said, so I gotta eat more pie.”

  Esther shook her head, grinning. “I probably have a hundred pounds on you.”

  “I told you. We’re adopted.” Lizzie stuffed her mouth with a large bite, then gummed it to death.

  Esther chuckled softly. “As we’ve discussed, our facial features tell another story.”

  “I also read that if I give platelets, they take your blood out of you, steal the platelets, then put your blood back in you. Seems odd to me.” She paused to enjoy her pie. “Gus has lost weight. His face is thinner. But he doesn’t look like a dying man.”

  “He’s only at the beginning of his treatments. I suspect that as he continues the chemotherapy, it will take a toll on him.”

  “Well, if he looks and feels fine, why not wait until he’s sicker before making him suffer through those treatments?”

  “I think it’s all about timing. And even if Gus was in pain, I’m not sure he’d tell us. He’s much too prideful.” Esther wanted another slice of pie, but as she put an arm across her stomach, she decided against it. “Lizzie, it’s nice that you’re researching about the procedures.”

  She stood up. “Of course I am. They’re taking mei blood and platelets. I want to know what’s going on,” she said with a mouthful of food.

  Esther put a hand to her forehead. “Please don’t eat like that when other people are around.”

  Lizzie opened her mouth wide and revealed all there was to see, like a small child might do. Esther couldn’t help laughing. It had been such a horrible day.

  “Ha-ha. Made you laugh.” Lizzie grinned a toothless smile. “I’m going back to bed, and you should too.”

  Esther rose from the table, yawning. “I suppose you’re right. Tomorrow is a new day.”

  * * *

  Rose was up earlier than usual and started breakfast. After she’d fantasized about becoming Benjamin’s wife the night before, she’d fallen into a deep sleep and felt rested this morning.

  Lizzie walked into the kitchen a few minutes later. “Ugh,” she said, scowling. “I ate enough for two people yesterday, and I even had pie in the middle of the night, but I still didn’t gain any weight. If mei weight falls too low, I might not be able to give Gus blood.”

  Rose smiled on the inside, recalling what Esther had said about Lizzie and Gus caring for each other more than they let on. But Rose knew better than to tell Lizzie how nice it was that she was taking this so seriously. She’d only deny it.

  “You’re in luck then because I’m making those Belgian waffles you like so much.”

  “Gut. I’ll be eating plenty.” Lizzie poured herself a cup of coffee and sat down at the kitchen table and began reading the newspaper. Occasionally, she glanced at Rose, but would quickly refocus on reading. Rose couldn’t help but wonder if Esther had told Lizzie about Rose’s childhood. The sisters were close, so Rose suspected she might have. If so, Rose was glad Lizzie wasn’t bringing up the subject.

  After her chores this morning and after lunch, she would have the afternoon to focus on this evening. She was nervous and excited to spend time with Benjamin’s mother. She wasn’t going to let negative thoughts bombard her mind.

  * * *

  Benjamin couldn’t stop looking at the clock in the kitchen. He’d had two plumbing projects to keep him busy most of the day, but now he was antsy and ready for Rose to get here.

  “It’s almost four, Benny. She’ll be here soon.” His mother opened the oven to check something that was cooking.

  “You didn’t make anything with carrots, did you?”

  “Nee, I made that chicken casserole that you and your sisters rave about. Your father wasn’t a huge fan of casseroles, as you know. That’s why I didn’t make it when you were growing up. But after he passed, I decided to mix things up a little when it came to cooking.” His mother chuckled. “I wouldn’t put carrots in anything I made this evening because you told me not to at least three times.”

  Benjamin scratched his cheek. “Ya, I guess I did.”

  “You really like this woman, don’t you?” His mother set the spoon she was holding on a plate on the counter. “Do you think she’s the one?”

  “I don’t know.” If he were being honest, he would tell his mother that he had already fallen hard for Rose. But she would be more wound up than she already was. His mother had cooked and cleaned all day while humming and smiling. Benjamin wasn’t sure who was more excited about Rose’s visit—he or his mother.

  “She’s here.” His mother pointed out the kitchen window.

  * * *

  By the time Rose got out of the buggy, Benjamin was walking toward her. He kissed her tenderly before he tethered her horse.

  “What a lovely way to start the evening,” she said as she put a finger to her lips, her eyes melting into his.

  He quickly kissed her again. “I won’t be able to do that for a while with mei mamm around.” Winking at her, he took hold of her hand and they walked to the door. He slowed his stride and gently pulled her to a s
top before they reached the porch steps. “I know you’ve met mei mamm, but you’ve never really been around her. I feel like I should warn you about her.”

  Rose’s stomach churned as her eyes probed his. “Warn me about what?”

  He grinned. “Nothing bad, but Mamm is probably the happiest woman on the planet, and she can be a little wound up when it comes to anything, um . . . romantic.”

  “Hmm . . .” She tapped a finger to her chin as a warmth filled her. “Are we romantic?”

  “I hope so. I don’t just kiss women randomly.” Chuckling, he started up the steps. “Well, maybe I did once. This woman named Rose put a spell on me when I first met her. I kinda kissed her before I really knew her.”

  “Ya, you did.” Rose giggled as she recalled those first kisses that had sent her into a wild whirlwind of hope, which had led to anger, which had progressed to where they were now.

  “Come on. Don’t be afraid.”

  Rose wasn’t scared, but she was anxious and hoped she didn’t start rambling about silly things.

  Benjamin stepped aside and held the screen door open. “Welcome,” he said smiling.

  Rose wasn’t sure whether to hug Catherine or not. In general, their people weren’t outwardly affectionate, but Lizzie and Esther hugged almost everyone. Rose had that tendency, too, now that she lived with the sisters.

  “Wie bischt, Rose.” Catherine rushed across the living room with a big smile on her face. She was an attractive woman with brown hair and beautiful green eyes like Benjamin. Tiny lines feathered from the corners of her eyes, and her laugh lines were abundant. She was like a burst of fresh air as she closed the space between her and Rose, gently pulling her into a hug. “Welcome to our home.”

  “Danki for inviting me.” Rose started walking alongside Catherine when she looped her arm in Rose’s.

  “I’ve been so looking forward to spending time with you this evening. I’ve prepared a chicken casserole that mei kinner always lieb.” She winked at her. “No carrots.”

  Rose glanced over her shoulder at Benjamin, who grinned and shrugged.