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  He sighed. “I don’t think I’m ever going to have it.”

  Annie had been through a lot with Jacob, and she’d heard him sound this hopeless before. “You will.” She reached for his hand and squeezed. “But you have to want it.”

  “How can you say that? I’ve been searching and searching.”

  “For what?” Annie gripped his hand, fearful he was going to get mad and sprint at any moment.

  Jacob scowled, and he did try to pull his hand away, but Annie held it firmly. “For peace, of course.”

  “And what does peace mean to you, Jacob?”

  They were quiet, and finally he said, “Happiness.”

  “And what will make you happy?” Annie had struggled with this question ever since Jacob had left.

  He stared at her long and hard. “I don’t know.”

  “Choose happiness, make it happen. And peace will come.” Annie let go of his hand, kissed him on the cheek, and stood. “I have to go. It’s getting dark.”

  She started across the yard toward her buggy, waiting for him to follow her, but the hinges of the porch swing rubbed together as he continued the movement.

  “Annie?”

  She turned around just as Jacob stilled the swing. “Ya?”

  “You’re different.”

  She smiled. “Not really.”

  As she made her way to her buggy, tears filled her eyes. She didn’t know if her happiness was going to be with Jacob, but without him, how would there ever be peace in her heart?

  Charlotte watched Bella sleeping on her bed as the rain pelted against the tin roof of her house. It was after midnight when she’d woken up, and she’d been awake for two hours thinking about Lena’s surgery later today. Then she realized she had forgotten to tell her sister about the two jobs she’d run across. She couldn’t clear her mind.

  She rolled onto her side, keeping her gaze on Bella. Each time a lightning bolt lit the room, Bella’s sweet face glowed. Should she feel guilty for loving Bella more than her sister? She’d already decided Andrea could stay for a while longer, mostly because Charlotte wanted to be close to Bella.

  Daniel. She’d avoided two calls from him. He would have an explanation about Edna, and it would probably be a valid one—how Edna kissed him without his permission, followed up by a convincing conversation about how Edna meant nothing to him. In her heart Charlotte was sure he would tell her the truth. But part of her thoughts were still locked in a dark place, and by keeping them there, she could avoid facing her own future.

  As the lightning and thunder became more raucous, she inched closer to Bella, laid a hand on her niece’s tiny hand, and closed her eyes.

  She jumped when she heard whimpering. Andrea snored, but Charlotte hadn’t heard her crying in her sleep. Yawning, Charlotte forced herself from the bed, and with the light of her cell phone, she made her way to the living room, but Andrea wasn’t on the couch. Charlotte shone the light around the room until she landed on Andrea, crouched in the corner in a fetal position, crying.

  “Andrea, what are you doing?” She hurried to her and squatted. Her sister had her face covered as she sobbed. “Andrea,” she said again, stroking her back.

  Andrea gasped, then threw her arms around Charlotte with enough force to knock her over. “I’m scared,” she said in barely a whisper. Charlotte felt her shaking.

  “It’s just a thunderstorm.”

  Andrea clutched the back of Charlotte’s nightshirt as her tears soaked the shoulder of it. Charlotte helped lift her to her feet, but Andrea still didn’t let go of her.

  “You’re okay, Andrea. Come on.” It took effort to get her sister moving toward Charlotte’s bedroom, but once there, Charlotte pulled back the covers. “Get in.”

  Andrea climbed underneath the covers and scootched over toward Bella.

  Charlotte sighed, needing sleep. But once she was in the bed, Andrea reached around until she found Charlotte’s hand, then clung to it. Moments later Andrea was snoring lightly, but Charlotte lay awake staring up into the darkness. She didn’t have much room on the bed, and her head was filled with worry about Lena, her relationship with Daniel, Eve’s coma, and now she worried about Andrea and Bella’s future.

  When does peace come? When will I be able to rest in the Lord and not worry about the trials in my life?

  But as Andrea clung to Charlotte’s hand, even as she slept, Charlotte felt more sisterly toward Andrea than she had since they’d reunited. There was more to Andrea than she was letting on.

  Daniel walked into the hospital Thursday morning exhausted from lack of sleep and the continued worry that had latched on to him. But he was surprised to see Amos sitting with Daed when Daniel arrived at his mother’s hospital room. Daniel paused outside the partially open door when he heard his father’s shaky voice say his name.

  “Daniel is doing a fine job keeping things together at home.” There was a short pause. “Lena’s surgery is today, in this hospital, ya?”

  “Ya, ya. Two floors up, but not until ten o’clock. They are getting her ready, so I wanted to pray with you, for both of our fraas.”

  Daniel lowered his head when the other two men did, even though he was in the hallway, and several nurses scurried past him. Prayer was mostly a silent offering to God, but Amos prayed aloud for the health and well-being of Lena and Daniel’s mother.

  “Mei Eve must wake up,” Daed said when Amos was done with the prayer. “I can’t be without her.”

  Grief and despair tore at Daniel’s heart. His father was crying. Not wanting to embarrass either man, he held his position outside the door.

  “She will wake up, mei friend.”

  “I pray for all gut things for Lena this morning. May the wise doctors follow God’s divine guidance.” His father’s voice cracked and shook before footsteps moved toward the door.

  Daniel took a few steps down the hall, feeling guilty he’d eavesdropped, something he’d also done outside of Annie’s bedroom door when she was talking to Jacob. It just seemed there were many secrets among their people lately. And the one Edna had dropped on him was a doozy.

  Amish folks in their community didn’t believe in divorce, so the fact that Edna was leaving her husband went against the Ordnung. The fact that she’d asked him to leave with her turned Daniel’s stomach. There was only person he wanted to be with, but Charlotte wasn’t returning his calls, although he suspected she was down the hall awaiting Lena’s surgery.

  Daniel walked into his mother’s room just as Amos was leaving, each nodding a greeting, but when Daniel saw his mother, he wanted to burst into tears. He hadn’t been to visit in a few days. Could his father see how much thinner she was, that any color was completely gone from her face now?

  “Wie bischt, Daed. Any more news from the doctors?”

  Shaking his head, his father kept his focus on Daniel’s mother. “Nee.”

  “Do you want me to get you something to eat?” Daniel’s gaze drifted to the small table by the bed. Another partially eaten bag of chips and a cup of water. His father had also lost weight.

  Daed shook his head again, his face turning red, although Daniel had no idea why. Lucas Byler had a temper, and Daniel and Annie had seen it many times.

  “You haven’t been to see your mamm in over a week.” Daed turned to face Daniel, his eyes blazing, his nostrils flared.

  “It’s only been a few days. I thought you wanted me to keep things running sufficiently at the farm, and I’ve been working.”

  “It’s been a week. Don’t you think your mamm would want to see you sooner than that?”

  Daniel didn’t think his mother was seeing anyone, and he wasn’t sure she could hear anything either, but he wasn’t going to engage his father in a confrontation just in case.

  “And Annie was supposed to bring pickled oysters. I haven’t seen or smelt any yet. Why is that?” His father stood, fists clenched. “Your mamm needs family around her. She needs smells and sounds that are familiar to her. Why can’t m
ei own grown kinner follow instructions?”

  “Daed . . . I’ll visit every day if there is a driver available and that’s what you want. And I’ll make sure to bring Aenti Faye’s pickled oysters.” Daniel’s father had been in the hospital room for too long, so he tried to keep that in mind.

  “Where’s Charlotte? Can’t she be bothered to help out by providing rides?”

  Daniel swallowed back the anger that threatened to spew, then took a deep breath. “Charlotte is working. Her sister and niece are also staying with her. And right now, she’s probably upstairs with Amos, Hannah, and Jacob waiting for Lena’s surgery. Isaac’s probably there too.”

  His father took a step closer to Daniel. “Has everyone settled into the fact that your mother isn’t going to wake up? Because she will wake up.”

  “Daed, no one thinks that. We all believe that she will wake up.” Daniel said the words with as much truth as he could, even though he was losing hope as well. God’s will was to be accepted, no matter the outcome.

  “She will wake up,” his father said in a whisper, his eyes filling with tears. He latched on to Daniel’s arm and stumbled slightly before he pointed to his wife. “Those machines keep her breathing.”

  Daniel nodded. “I know.”

  Daed took the few steps to the end of the hospital bed, clutched the railing, then lowered his head as his shoulders began to shake. “They want to end her life,” he said tearfully without turning to face Daniel. “They want me to kill mei fraa. They want me to sign papers that say I will allow them to unplug her from the machines helping her breathe.”

  His father lashed out in anger when he couldn’t cope with the pain he was feeling, and this pain was surely unbearable for him, as it was for Annie and Daniel and all those who loved his mother. But Daed had been married to Mamm since he was sixteen, a love that had endured great losses and celebrated blessed moments in their lives.

  His father swiped at his eyes with a handkerchief before he turned back around to face Daniel, lifting his chin high. “We will not do this pulling of the plug.”

  For once, Daniel and his father agreed. “Only God chooses when we die. We will not sign any papers to end Mamm’s life.”

  Charlotte gripped Lena’s hand. Amos, Hannah, Isaac, and Jacob had all been in earlier to wish Lena well and to pray with her, but Lena had asked to speak with Charlotte privately.

  “I have a beautiful dochder, and I have a sohn who has come home.” Lena smiled. “And I have Amos.” She paused, still smiling. “And I cherish them.”

  Charlotte nodded. “I know you do.”

  “But I love you, too, Charlotte, like one of my own.” She let go of Charlotte’s hand and reached under the white sheet covering her. They’d already hooked her up to an IV, and Charlotte had been told that she was just waiting for an orderly to take her to surgery. She pulled out an envelope and handed it to Charlotte.

  “What’s this?”

  “It’s a Do Not Resuscitate form I have filled out, along with a Power of Attorney for you to make medical decisions if I should become unable to.”

  Charlotte held the envelope out, pushing it toward Lena. “No, Lena. This is something your family should have.”

  Lena smiled again. “You are my family.”

  Charlotte squeezed her eyes shut, savoring the comment and the love she held for this woman. “And you are my family. But Amos should be the one to make any decisions like that. Of course, none will be needed because you’ll be just fine.”

  “Ya, I believe I will do all right. But Charlotte . . . if something were to happen, I want nature to take its course. I don’t want to be kept alive by machines, and Amos would never let me go.” Her eyes drifted away, glassed over a little. “I think about Eve downstairs, unable to communicate what she may or may not want. If and when the time comes, Lucas will have to make such a decision about Eve, but I have the wherewithal right now to dictate my wants. Eve didn’t have that luxury.” She pushed the envelope toward Charlotte again.

  “What is the Amish way? What would the bishop advise?”

  “To leave a person hooked up to machines would be viewed by some of our people as okay because if God wanted to call a person home, He could do so whether there were machines or not. But when does it become a time that we hinder God’s will with our own worldly technology? Without the machines, I would die, if it had come to that. Isn’t that God’s will?”

  “So, it’s a gray area, then?” Charlotte sighed. It seemed complicated, no matter what religion a person was. She also believed it was a personal choice.

  “It’s not a gray area for me, Charlotte.” She pushed the envelope at Charlotte again, and she took it.

  “I will hold on to this, Lena, but only because I know everything will be fine.” She leaned down and kissed her on the cheek.

  Lena lowered her chin, peeked down her blue hospital gown, and said softly, “Good-bye breasts. You and I will be parting ways.” She grinned at Charlotte, then looked back at her chest again. “And good riddance,” she said louder, then laughed.

  Charlotte chuckled too. “I love you so much.”

  Lena winked at her. “I know you do. And I love you too. Stay close to Amos. Jacob is a bit of a mess still. Hannah and Isaac have their own lives. I know that both mei kinner will take care of their daed, but Amos loves you like a dochder also. He just doesn’t know how to express affection well. But don’t ever doubt his love for you.”

  “Lena, stop it.” Charlotte’s bottom lip trembled. “You are talking like you’re leaving this life, but this is routine surgery.”

  “Was I?” Lena brought a hand to her chest. “I’m just trying to cover all of my bases, as you Englisch would say.” She winked at Charlotte. “Speaking of, when are you going to get baptized and marry that handsome Daniel?”

  “Hmm . . .” Charlotte sighed. “It’s complicated.”

  “It doesn’t have to be. God’s blessings on you always, sweet child.”

  Two male nurses walked in right then. “Are you ready, Mrs. King?” One of the men picked up Lena’s chart and studied it for a moment.

  “As ready as I’ll ever be,” she said to the man, the hint of a smile on her lips.

  Charlotte was sure she wouldn’t be as brave as Lena if the situation were reversed.

  “You can wait in recovery with the other family members,” the same man said as they started to wheel Lena out of the room. Charlotte loved being referred to as Lena’s family.

  The two nurses pivoted the portable bed through the doorway but paused as another gurney passed by. Then they started again to maneuver Lena’s bed from the end, leaving Charlotte to see Lena’s face pass by the opened door last.

  And the tear that slipped down her cheek as she tried to smile at Charlotte.

  Ten

  Daniel found the surgery waiting room, and clustered together were Charlotte, Hannah, Isaac, Amos, Jacob, and Annie.

  After Daniel greeted everyone, he whispered to Annie that she needed to take pickled oysters to their father and not to forget. Then he asked Charlotte if he could speak to her alone. Under different circumstances, everyone would have eyed him suspiciously and exchanged curious looks. But the others didn’t shoot him so much as a glance, and Daniel was sure they were each lost in worry about Lena.

  After Charlotte closed the waiting room door, she and Daniel stood in the hallway.

  “Are you okay? I’ve been calling you.” Daniel tried to keep the clip out of his voice, but they all had enough going on without Charlotte going silent. Something she did when she was bothered about something.

  “No. Not really. I’m worried about Lena.” She folded her arms across her chest. “How is your mother?”

  “The same.” Daniel rubbed his chin. “Are you angry with me about something?”

  Charlotte raised an eyebrow. “Should I be?”

  He had been around his mother and sister enough to know the female behavior, even if he didn’t understand it. “Um . . . I don�
��t think so.”

  “Okay, then. Is that all?” Charlotte bit her bottom lip and sighed.

  “Nee, it’s not. What’s wrong?” He leaned down a little, putting his ear closer to her since they were both speaking in loud whispers.

  “I wanted to go to lunch with you yesterday, so I went to the furniture store.” Her glare burned into him. “But you had company.”

  He took in a deep breath, buying some time to think of the right words. “I guess you saw Edna?” Not exactly the words he’d hoped for, but they might as well get it over with. “She’s having more problems with John.”

  “Apparently, since she was kissing you.” Charlotte spat the words, her whispering voice a bit louder.

  “She kissed me once and I told her to stop. She’s leaving John, planning to get a divorce.” Daniel couldn’t see any good coming out of telling Charlotte that Edna had invited him to go with her.

  “What?” Charlotte scrunched her face up, frowning. “The Amish don’t get divorces.”

  “She’ll be shunned, but I don’t think she cares.” He thought about the Edna he’d once dated. She seemed confused back then, but he wouldn’t have fallen in love with her if she didn’t have good qualities to go along with her attractive looks. “I feel sorry for her.”

  Charlotte rolled her eyes. “I can’t really say I feel sorry for the woman who was kissing my boyfriend.” She let out a long sigh. “But I’ll pray for her.”

  Daniel kissed her softly, but she eased away.

  “Those lips are reserved for me. I better not catch that woman kissing you again.”

  He lowered his head before he looked back up at her. “I’m sorry you saw that.”

  Charlotte grimaced as she folded her arms across her chest. “You’re sorry I saw that, or you’re sorry it happened?”

  Daniel grinned. “Both.”